CODA family & the immigrant family

After hearing a lot of buzz around the film CODA during awards season, I finally watched it last night.

The Oscars Best Picture winner did not disappoint. I’ve heard the critics and the naysayers, but sometimes, I just want to watch a well-thought-out, feel-good movie. And this was it. It was a historic win, yes, with almost half (40%) of the movie in American Sign Language (ASL) with most of the lead characters actually being played by deaf actors.

I appreciated the themes of what it means to be a family and as an outsider as members of the deaf community. But throughout the movie, which portrayed the life of a CODA (child of deaf adults), I was surprised to see parallels between this deaf family to families of first-generation immigrants. The community may see the deaf family as unrelatable or people who are ‘in need’ when actually they can be like any other family down the street—same way as some may see immigrant families in their neighborhoods.

I saw parallels in the experiences by a CODA and the experiences of children of immigrant parents—the reliance on the child, the burden felt by child, and the responsibilities and sacrifices pressed on child. The director, Sian Heder, also recognized these parallels as she grew up under Hungarian and Welsh parents in the US.

Ruby Rossi, the main character of the film and the only hearing member of her family, not only helps her family business by literally being their ears on their fishing boat to receive radio calls and alerts, but she’s also their interpreter in many day-to-day activities (from interactions with other fishermen to the <awkward> conversations at the doctor’s office). She’s 17, and is also juggling the joys of high school, bullies and boys.

The experience of living one way inside the home, and having another reality outside the home is what Ruby goes through, and something that many children of immigrant families can relate to.
Many children of immigrant parents will tell stories about figuring out taxes for their parents, making phone calls to insurance companies after their parents get a letter in the mail, and going to the doctor’s office with the parents to be their translators. Being able to ‘provide’ a service in this way was almost like an unsaid mandate or obligation to being family. In the movie, Ruby’s parents depend on her to operate their fishing boat and to interpret for them at town hall meetings. It’s expected of her.

In an immigrant household, the livelihood of the parents can seem to depend on the child— no matter how old they may be—because of their abilities to speak the language and their knowledge of the culture. I remember hearing a story from a friend who said since she was 9 years old, she would accompany her parents to make business deals or to get a loan from the bank.

Ruby is also very protective over her deaf parents and is always keen on watching out for them—making sure they’re not taken advantage of. These are the same sentiments felt by children of immigrant parents— always on the lookout for people trying to take advantage of the parents who lack in the language skills.

I grew up under first-generation immigrant parents, and in many senses, I feel fortunate that I didn’t have to handle much paperwork or interpretation for my parents. Somehow they figured things out themselves or got the help of others in the community. There were only times when I would help them understand certain American customs or American expectations—like explaining to my mom that getting manicures with my friend’s mom is a ‘normal’ social activity to do. But even still, growing up in a community where there were more white Americans than Asian Americans, I did feel like most of my friends could not relate to growing up in an immigrant household. Ruby in the film points out to her peer (and crush) that he has no idea what it’s like to have deaf parents.

As human beings, we all LIKE feeling needed. But there comes a point when others’ needs trumps our own needs, which then result in feeling frustrated or dissatisfaction in our own lives. There are times in the film when Ruby acts out in frustration when she feels like she doesn’t have the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants, because of her family obligations. She wants to pursue singing and go to college for it. But her family wants her around more to help them with the family business, because what could be more important than family needs?

The child of immigrant families can also feel like their own needs are not being met, as they make certain sacrifices to fulfill the needs of the family as a whole. While friends are out shopping at the mall on a Saturday morning, the child of an immigrant family may be accompanying their parents to a car dealership to help them make a purchase. And who will takeover the small family business? The expectations may fall on the child—who might not have the financial means anyway—to pursue other things like higher education.

CODA is a heartwarming film—and with its universal themes of family and relationships—it is a film that can resonate with anyone, really. But, it can pull the heartstrings even more for those who felt like the odd one out, living as a child of first-generation immigrant families and balancing the act of loving your family full heartedly while living out your own life. 🤟